Think out-loud

 I am out of my element.  And I'm 100% sure that is a good thing.

I remember as a new banker having to go to networking events.  I didn't know anyone and I wasn't experienced at going there.  I still don't love the term networking and I cringe every time someone claims to be good at it.  But you can drop me in a room full of strangers and I can mingle and make small talk comfortably.  It's a very small accomplishment, but it isn't something that everyone is capable of, and it's not something that I've always been capable of.  It also wasn't easy to get there.  There were a lot of awkward, forced conversations along the way.  And a lot of bored participants that I cornered.

In my early 30s I took a modern dance class.  I had never felt comfortable dancing, it wasn't something I was good at, and it wasn't something that I enjoyed.  As we progress in our career it's very rare that we do something that we're absolutely terrible at. Dancing was one of those things.  I sucked, I was sometimes worried that I was going to zig when the rest of the group zagged.  I'm 6 foot, 200lbs.  My classmates were dance mom's that took this class while their kids danced in another group.  I was concerned that my zags would result in smooshing one of the dance moms.  It was embarrassing.  

I found so much personal benefit in humbling (humiliating) myself on a weekly basis.  Anxious about a deal?  Worried making the call to turn down a customer?  Worried about making a wild request of my boss?  None of that compared to the experience of dancing.

Eventually I did get better (not good), and got more comfortable.  And I really do enjoy dancing these days.  I'm no longer anxious about it.  I no longer get uncomfortable when I'm in a circumstance with lots of dancing.  And I'm a more resilient person because I'm survived the process.

I'm in recovery, and I've attended a lot of 12 step meetings over time.  One of the fundamentals meeting types in peer support is the speaker meeting.  In a speaker meeting, one person typically speaks for the duration of the meeting, where they tell their story.  I've heard some of the best stories I've heard anywhere in those meetings.  But I've also heard some of the worst speakers anywhere.  Anyone can speak, and a lot of times people with no experience, interest, or ability in public speaking struggle through an entire hour.  The point isn't to hear good speeches, and I'm certainly not criticizing anyone.  But it's a common trope among beginning speakers to talk about how nervous they are.  This probably has more to do with me, but everyone already knows that they're nervous.  They aren't revealing any new info, it's not nearly as revealing as they frequently think it is.  It also feels sort of selfish.  Like discussing your anxiety is about you, it's not interesting to your listener.

I feel very anxious about publishing publicly.  I feel anxious about being judged.  I feel anxious about embarrassing myself.  This is a level of exposure that I'm not comfortable with or used to.  It feels selfish for me to talk about my own anxieties.  I'm not sure why a reader would care.  And it's not interesting.  But it's how I feel.

It's real.  I'm anxious about this post.  On this anonymous blog.  That has never been shared anywhere.  It would be unlikely for a web-crawler to find this.  And yet, I'm still anxious.

And just like I learned and benefited so much from taking dance lessons as an adult.  I'm convinced that getting over myself, and sharing my thoughts with the world.  Getting feedback and refining my thinking will make me better.  Even if it is possibly humiliating in the process.

So here I am dear reader.  Like a nervous 20-something profession at their first networking event.  I'm going to force you to engage with me until I no longer suck at it.

Good luck to us both.